so prefacing this with the fact that I know that the fun is sorta taken out of this by me translating, but not everyone will have the energy to look it up themselves, so I figured I’d help out.
Morse code: AEEEEE FELL DOWN AND TROKE MY PENIT TODAY YEOWCE OUCH YOUCH!!!! SENT FROM MY TELEGRAPH
people want doing the right thing to be like pulling the correct lever at the correct time but actually usually doing the right thing is more like holding a moderate weight at arm’s length continuously for seventeen years
i hate astarion. i love astarion. he shows up and fucking tricks me and tries to stab me and i go “yeah i would’ve done the same probably” but i wouldn’t have. i just wanted another party member. and he goes “I’m ~*~Astarion~*~ in the fruitiest most pompous voice you can imagine. I’m going to rattle him like a gourd full of pine nuts. i would give him my blood in a heartbeat. he’s my worst enemy. he’s my meow meow. i want him to shut up. i want him to tell me all his deepest traumas. he’s my bestie and I’m going to tear his stupid fancy embroidered doublet apart with my teeth.
On one hand, yes it’s kind of hilarious Tav apparently doesn’t realize “white as a sheet, red eyes, visible fangs, obvious bite marks on the neck” Astarion is a vampire until he tries to bite them, but to be fair, he is breaking all the vampire rules, mainly being out in the sun.
It’s like if someone had a medical alert bracelet for a severe peanut allergy and tattoos all over them that said “I am deathly allergic to peanuts” but you also have almost constantly seen them eating peanuts so you’d kind of just have to assume it was somehow ironic.
I imagine Astarion being like “I don’t know how you didn’t realize before. I haven’t seen my reflection as a vampire but I’ve been told it’s somewhat visibly obvious in good lighting” and Tav being like “yeah I mean I noticed all that stuff but you have also been out in sunlight and stuff so I kind of figured you were just into cosplaying or something…”
Tav’s just been running around with what they assumed was the Faerun equivalent of a kid who wears fangs and colored contacts to hang out in the food court at the mall.
btw it’s sooo funny that astarion’s backstory is that he was a magistrate before he becamed a vampire. i like to imagine he was always Like That even before he was turned. like imagine you’re on trial for stealing a loaf of bread in a magical medieval fantasy land where the only step of the judicial process is determining how many pieces the executioner is gonna cut you into. you shuffle into the courtroom and the biggest fruit you’ve ever seen is on the bench. just the single most homosexual elf faerûn has ever produced. the honorable Judge Cunt presiding. you’re wearing rags cause you’ve been in a lightless dungeon for 4 months awaiting trial and he sentences you to be Double Hanged on the basis of your fashion sense alone. you beg for your life for your family’s sake and he’s like “ew, you have children? Triple Hanged” god it’s so good
Sooo larian said we can get married but the real question is can we get divorced?
Asking because the dynamics of a divorced tav astarion are absolutely hilarious to me. Like can you imagine? Yes we got married in a rush while caught up in the ilithid thing but then realized we hate the way the other brushes their teeth and got divorced and now we still have to work together and there’s definitely some latent feelings and unsaid things I’m talking about the rivals to lovers to divorced to soulmates Speedrun
this is probably unlikely but if larian decides to make the other books as dlc’s i REALLLLY want dhampir to make it into the game. i want astarion to go “so you’re a cringe fail vampire??? lmao”
